I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Mornin
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.