Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
oh u like geography? name every lake
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.