Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
You Might Also Like
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Cool shirt 🙂
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*