What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
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Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist