Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Not all heroes wear capes…
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.