I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
You Might Also Like
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I like long walks away from everyone
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been