They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
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Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
FINE, I WON’T.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
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