sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi