*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.