*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I saw this ending much differently.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.