Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
You Might Also Like
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Lmao the reply
You deplete me
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes