Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
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*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
me after eating Cheetos
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
men are simple creatures
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.