I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…