Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I WON A HAM TODAY
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma