ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Breaking news:
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.