I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?