I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children