Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.