turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels