Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Flowers bee like
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016