To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
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I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.