me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
You Might Also Like
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My dog learned how to text
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
new year update: losing everything but weight
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”