I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
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Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Everyone’s family
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Go girl power!
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3