I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
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Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Something Saturday.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
i spent way too long on this
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.