HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
When news reporters do sports stories
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying