“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
m’lady
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.