At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
i love meeting boys on tinder
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.