so weird how every mom was born today
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When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Rambo Rambow
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.