cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
my dad when a sex scene comes on
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
This will never not be funny to me.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.