Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
You Might Also Like
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*