“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
groan^2
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’m not wrong
Birds & Planes.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.