Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb