I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.