i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
You Might Also Like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
still the best tweet of the year by far
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Hank is one in a melon.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin