Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.