GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.