The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.