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[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller