Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?