The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”