Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make