A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.