I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?