[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.