Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don鈥檛 have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*ernest hemingway voice*
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Absolutely travel with kids. It鈥檚 important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Nooooooooo!!!
馃尨馃尶馃馃崁馃尦
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
if you can鈥檛 judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you鈥檙e all – ugh – I suppose you鈥檙e all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don鈥檛 help me I CAN DO IT
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we鈥檝e been calling him dad all this time