‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
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The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.