my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?