If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Buck naked
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
fired
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I’m good, thanks.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
motivation
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss