I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
CRYING
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Just this preview of the story is enough
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.