[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
You Might Also Like
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Seems a bit forward
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.